Writing Your Ego to Hell

For the past few days I have stuck with my goals and stayed off the internet blogs-hard because I see the new posts through twitter and die inside to see the new 'word', but I must get something published or grow very old trying.
I have been outwardly cheering on those shouting with their newly published babies in their hands and beating myself inside for the failure I have had. I want to believe my failure was more than an ego thing.

A few years ago I did get two books published and felt very proud of myself. I had my book signing and sold 27 books on that very day inside the Books-a-Million and 10 more at BN the next weekend. I had an article in essence magazine, and many great reviews. But then I stopped and really READ the final product. It was terrible. Not the story or the premise, but the product and I cried foul. I felt horrible. The company (Publish America) I had chosen to publish the books (through the advice of a horrible agent) had botched up the job. In the contract they promised editing and such, but pages were left out and no editing done.I was heartbroken. I was really torn up when I found out an editor from Ballantine books had been interested in the novel and the agent chose not to go with him. How could he have directed me to such an author mill. I recommend reading  Victoria Strauss' blog-Writers Beware if you want to stay ahead of the game.

It is awesome to have a book published and people congratulating you. You feel as if you have finally done something good and right in the world. It's like being a parent. How proud you are of your accomplishment. And like your child you only want them (it) to be seen in the best light. I told myself I wouldn't want my child ridiculed, mistreated, and put out in ignorance so how could I do it to words from my heart? Especially when they are subjects I believe in? I shot my ego to hell and fought for the return of my contract. I'm mad at myself because now I have doubt in my abilities. Sometimes we just have to take ourselves out of the limelight and start over.

I have learned a lot. Write, rewrite and learn for yourself. Don't run on your ego or you will shoot your own self to hell. My time for redemption is near.